Question:
My boyfriend was born and raised in Tokyo, and is very proud of that. I'm American. When we got together, I promised him that I would learn Japanese, so I could talk to him in his language as well as he spoke to me in mine.
Now he is angry with me (turning cold, pushing me away a bit) because, he says, I'm learning TOO quickly. If I'm learning this fast, he says, then I'm not taking it seriously. He says things like "Clearly, you don't need me anymore," and I swear I feel the temperature drop to about three degrees.
When I finally got him to warm up a bit, he started getting extremely critical of my Japanese. Now, I like criticism, because it helps me to learn from my mistakes, but he nitpicks at everything, especially if American friends are around. Recently I asked him, "Nani o shiteiru no?" ("What are you doing?") He proceeded to laugh at me and tell me not to say that because one of the words can refer to masturbation. If I remember correctly, that word is "onanii" and what I said was valid. I know he doesn't expect me to know that, so I feel as though he's actually trying to embarrass me or something.
He knows how deeply I feel about him, yet he often tells me about how many women and men stare at him or hit on him, attempt to kiss him or confess love to him. I know a lot of girls really do fawn over him---but is it necessary for him to do like this?
Finally, sometimes, I meet his friends, both Japanese and American. A few weeks ago, I actually struck up a friendship with one of those friends, and when my boyfriend found out, he was furious. He said that I was trying to get further into his life by being friends with his friends, and then he said "but they're no longer my friends, I give them to you." And he wouldn't talk about the subject anymore, only getting angrier if I tried to.
My boyfriend has lived in Japan most of his life, and is exceedingly proud of Japan in general. He likes to say that I don't understand him because I don't understand the Japanese way of thinking.
I'm trying to figure out if that's true and I'm doing things wrong, or if he's just a jerk.
Does anyone with experience of Japan have any advice for me?
Answer:
Your boyfriend is a spoiled insecure chauvinist. Yes, he is a jerk.
Not surprising considering that the vast majority of couples in Japan are only having one child and tend to spoil them rotten. He is also showing the typical insecurities that many Japanese have regarding non-Japanese who can speak Japanese better then they or at least as good as they can. I will tell you a secret about the Japanese mindset - they feel VERY insecure about people knowing them too well. And gaining language fluency is next to gaining in depth knowledge of the Japanese mind and thought process. It's almost as if being able to speak Japanese well is an invasion of their personal space.
Another thing your boy seem to be is the typical chauvinist jerk. This will sound weird to you, but a Japanese boy expects you the female to be subservient and apologetic for all your actions even if there were no insult or wrong doing.
Do yourself a big favor and dump him.
